Second Chances

Part 2

“Are you sure that you’re going to be okay?” Willow questioned gently.

“I’m fine,” Buffy replied with an unseen nod. After her little cry-fest in the cemetery it became painfully obvious that she was in no state to be out patrolling. Buffy had walked Willow home before leaving for her own place, only allowed to venture outside alone after promising to call the moment she got in.

“Oh-kay…” Willow drawled out slowly, not completely convinced but accepting her friend’s reassurance. For now…

“Alright Will, it’s getting late. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, k?” Buffy suggested.

“I’ll see you at school.”

“Goodnight Will.”

“Night Buffy.”

Buffy returned the receiver to its cradle and curled herself up into a little ball on her bed, drawing Mr. Gordo close to her chest.

~*~*~

Angel paced across the lawn of the Summers house for the fifth or was it sixth time. After witnessing Buffy’s heartbreaking retelling of this afternoon’s events with Willow the vampire had slunk off into the night. Being near her yet not being able to touch her, hold her, console her, was unbearable.

Keeping to the shadows he had disappeared into the darkness, finding himself a quiet place to sit and think. And brood.

After brooding in the shadows of the Weatherly Park he had made the decision to come see her, to speak to her. They needed to talk about this, even if Buffy didn’t change her mind about the decision she made. And he wanted to make sure she had gotten home safely.

After a few minutes walk he had tracked her scent and discovered that she had in fact been heading towards her home. Hesitantly he had made his way to her house, seeing dim light shining out from her bedroom window. For a long while he had just watched, staring up towards that window, waiting for her to move towards it and notice him. To give him some sort of opening that didn’t involve him having to approach her first.

He didn’t know how to fix things, didn’t even know if they could be fixed. Buffy was right, they weren’t just friends, never had been. And pretending that was all that they were, cheapened their history, their relationship. But Angel didn’t think he could just stay away, knowing that she was hurting because of him. Because of their past, both the good and bad, and of the future that seemed impossible.

A small part of his conscience argued that it was better off this way. That without him around, Buffy would have the chance of a more normal life, of a normal relationship. She might actually have the chance of happiness if he stayed away. The other side of him argued that she would never be as happy as when she had been with him, that he alone could provide for her what she needed. Buffy was the light in his dark existence, and without her he didn’t know if he could go on. Not that he would ever attempt to take his un-life, he didn’t have the courage or the strength to do something like that. Without Buffy, his life would be meaningless.

Angel fought for his redemption, patrolled nightly to protect the lives of the people of Sunnydale in the hopes that one day his crimes as Angelus would be forgiven. That was all he wanted… forgiveness, and the love of the woman he treasured more than anything on this earth.

Buffy’s earlier words from the cemetery repeated over and over in his mind, and once more he began to doubt that coming here tonight was the right decision. She was right in saying that he could never be with her. Not in that way. It didn’t matter how desperately he craved the feel of her flesh on his, of knowing again the complete bliss that was their one and only coupling. The night of her seventeenth birthday his soul was soaring on such a high, Angel felt as if he had died and gone to heaven.

And then in the blink of an eye it had all been taken from them.

“You’re not enough,” he chastised himself. “She needs…”

Angel dropped his head in shame. With the gypsy curse still in place, they would never be able to give into the carnal side of a relationship. Without it, his soul would return to the ether and Angelus would walk once more. With the soul he couldn’t express his love physically and without it, he couldn’t love at all.

With a growl of frustration Angel balled his fist and slammed it into the trunk of the tree he was currently standing beneath. The skin of his knuckles instantly split, blood dripping from the self induced wounds. With the pain the wound brought, Angel also found clarity. What he wanted from Buffy he could never have, not with the curse in place.

But there had to be some other way…

With newfound courage and determination Angel approached the front door to the Summers house, lifted his hand, and knocked.

~*~*~

Inside her bedroom Buffy wept. Wept for Willow and Oz, knowing that the pain of the heartbreak that they felt. She wept for Cordelia; both for the injuries she suffered and the reason why she ran out of the factory. And she wept for Xander, for learning where his true feelings lay far too late.

And she wept for herself.

Buffy wasn’t the sort of girl to wear her heart on her sleeve, and she didn’t hand it over into the care of another without a great deal of consideration. She made calculated risks, only opening up to people she was certain would care for her heart, not break it. Sometimes her decisions backfired on her and people left, like her father, but for the most part Buffy’s heart had survived unbroken. It was Murphy’s Law that deemed it reason to have her first true love and first heartbreak come from the same person.

Only he wasn’t really a person.

Buffy reprimanded herself for those thoughts. Angel was more human, showed more human kindness and compassion than half the people she fought and risked her life for on a nightly basis. If anyone deserved to be considered humane, it was Angel.

Rolling over on her bed, Buffy resigned herself to the fact that would likely have a sleepless night.

~*~*~

Angel fidgeted on the spot as he listened for movement on the other side of the door. When he heard someone approaching a wave of panic washed over him and he had to fight the urge to dive off the porch and into the shadows. Holding an unneeded breath he waited, eyes downcast. Angel listened as the door squeaked slightly as it opened slowly, finally dragging his gaze upwards…

…and into the angry eyes of one Joyce Summers.

“Mrs. Summers,” he stammered.

“Angel,” Joyce snapped in response. “What are you doing here? Haven’t you caused enough hurt for one evening?”

His jaw gaped slightly, not knowing how to answer that question because in a way, she was right. Buffy was upset and hurting because of him. “Is Buffy in?” he asked even though he already knew the answer to that question.

“She’s asleep,” Joyce lied. When she had heard the knock at the door, the last person she had expected to see standing on her doorstep, was him.

“Oh,” Angel responded with disappointment. It was possible that Joyce was telling the truth, he had spent a long time pacing out on the lawn. But if there was a chance that she was awake, a chance that she would speak to him…

The determination in Joyce’s eyes was not going to be something easily bypassed.

“Could you tell her that I stopped by?” he asked hesitantly.

Joyce’s pursed lips relaxed ever so slightly. Anybody could tell just by looking at him that this was a man in love. Well not so much a man as a vampire and that fact was still something that Joyce was having difficulty in dealing with. But it didn’t change the fact that Angel did love Buffy.

Having been in a similar position of heartbreak that Joyce now found her daughter, her instincts were pushing for her to close the door on the being that had caused her daughter so much heartache. Joyce knew what it was like to have love and lose it. The hopeless romantic buried deep within her knew that whilst Buffy was hurting right now, she hadn’t lost that love. It was that side of her that pursued questioning of the love struck creature before her.

“Angel, what are you intentions concerning my daughter?” Her arms folded over her chest in a manner that suggested that she would take nothing but the truth. “Are you here to break her heart again? Because I promise you that if you think you can --”

“I’m not,” Angel interrupted with a shake of his head. “Hurting Buffy is the last thing I’d ever want to do.”

“Then why did you? Why did you hurt her?”

Angel frowned, unsure of where Joyce was going with this line of questioning. “Joyce, I’m not here to hurt Buffy. I came here tonight because I wanted to speak with her… about us.” He dropped his head, unable to hold the unwavering stare of Mrs. Summers. She didn’t trust him, he knew that much. Which is why he found it surprising that she was even allowing this conversation to continue.

“Buffy came to see me this afternoon. She broke things off,” he informed. “And I couldn’t exactly follow her outside to discuss the decision…” he added wryly.

“Sunlight challenged, I understand,” Joyce replied wittily. She was a little surprised by his confession. Joyce had been certain that Buffy’s current depression had been because of the man before her, not self-induced.

Angel laughed despite himself. It seemed Buffy had inherited her sense of humour from her mother. The chuckle died in his throat as suddenly as it had begun. “I’m here because I don’t want to give up on her, on us. I can’t give up. Buffy means more to me than anything, and…” He trailed off. There wasn’t much else he could say to Joyce in an effort to convince her to allow him to speak to Buffy anyway.

“Can you, can you pass on a message for me?” he pleaded, his chocolate brown eyes filled with longing as his gaze darted up the stairs.

Joyce thought it over, weighed the pros against the cons and made a decision. Opening the door a little wider she stepped to the side to allow him access. “You can tell her yourself.”

Angel blinked in surprise. “Mrs. Summers, I…”

“Don’t make me change my mind now. Buffy’s upstairs, although I doubt she’s sleeping.”

“Thank you,” Angel expressed his gratitude genuinely.

“Don’t make me regret this,” she warned.

“You won’t,” came his promised reply as he stepped inside the house.

~*~*~

A soft knock sounded on Buffy’s door and she groaned at the gentle intrusion. She knew her mother probably had the best intentions but the last thing she wanted to do right now was talk.

“Mom, I’m alright. Please, I just want to sleep.”

“Buffy…”

Buffy’s heart began pounding. That voice, was not her mother’s.

“Buffy, I…” Angel struggled to finds the words he wanted so much to express. “I just, wanted to talk.”

Buffy’s eyes fluttered shut as the silky tones of his voice washed over her. It seemed like days, weeks even since she had last seen him when in reality it had just been several long and painful hours.

“I needed to see you,” Angel continued as he hesitantly reached for the doorknob and began twisting slowly. “Can, can I come in?”

Dragging herself into a seated position Buffy harshly wiped at her eyes and cheeks, trying to hide the evidence of her sorrow. Leaning herself up against the pillows, knees pulled up to her chest, she finally answered.

“S-sure.”

The door creaked slightly as Angel entered the dimly lit room, softly closing it behind him. The first thing that he noticed was the redness around her eyes. He inhaled nervously, catching the salty scent in the air. She had been crying, crying because of him.

“M-maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” he murmured as he turned towards the door.

“Angel, wait…” Buffy called abruptly when she saw his movement towards the door.

Slowly and hesitantly the vampire turned to face his heartbroken beloved. Her eyes were filled with such questioning, such hurt… that it was almost too much to bear.

“Why are you here?”

Her voice was barely above a whisper, if it hadn’t been for his vampiric hearing he probably wouldn’t have heard the question at all. He found himself asking the same question…

“I needed to see you,” Angel confessed honestly.

“Why?” Buffy probed with hesitancy. Her hands fidgeted at her sides, grasping hold of chunks of material of the bedspread and squeezing her frustrations upon it. She didn’t know if she wanted to hear what Angel was going to say. Common sense informed her that if it was a rejection then he wouldn’t have bothered turning up to her house to do it. Especially after what she had said to him at the Mansion. But she was still worried.

“Because…” Angel trailed off; searching her face for answers while his mind was running rampant with thought. Did she still love him? Would she hear him out? Did they have a future, or even a chance of a future together? His eyes dropped to the floor as he slowly began moving towards her, finally lifting to meet hers again as he spoke.

“Because I love you.”

Buffy gasped at the simple declaration, her eyes glazing over in shock. Before, at the Mansion she had asked him to tell him otherwise and he could not. But at the same time he hadn’t exactly spoken those words either. Hearing it now, after the heartache she had been suffering through, it was almost unbelievable. A part of her thought it was her mind playing tricks on her.

The mattress dipped slightly and subconsciously Buffy knew that Angel must have sat near her, but she didn’t react. She must have been shaking her head no in response to his confession because he spoke again, this time clearing through the fog.

“I do, Buffy, I love you. Almost more than I can stand.”

When her eyes cleared and she looked up she saw the same sorrow reflected in those expressive brown eyes of his. “Angel, you can’t do this. You can’t just come into my room and tell me that --”

“I love you,” he finished her sentence for her. “Yes I can, and I just did. And I’m going to keep on coming over and telling you until you believe it.”

“Angel…” Buffy began, only to be interrupted again.

“Buffy, you can’t just give up on us like that. We have something special. Something I believe is worth fighting for. And I’m not willing to just sit back and watch whilst you throw that away,” he informed. His tone was gentle but his conviction strong. They had been through too much to just give up on each other. Angel believed in his heart that they were meant to be together. And if he was right, then they could work through the things impeding their relationship. Together.

“I’m not throwing it away,” Buffy tried, but Angel wasn’t having it.

He nodded emphatically. “Yes you are. So we’ve got some issues, there are forces trying to keep us apart. Are we supposed to just lie down and give up? Let them break us apart, let them win?”

“Angel, this isn’t about winning or losing or giving up.”

“It’s what you’re doing right now. Giving up,” he pointed out.

Buffy dropped her gaze from his; unable to stand the looks he was giving her right now, because he was right. In a way, she was giving up. Buffy didn’t know if she was strong enough to survive this. She didn’t know if she could be with him, and not be with him.

“It’s just so hard,” she cried, tears slipping down her cheeks, refusing to look at him. “Being so near to you, wanting you. And not being able to have that.”

Angel understood completely what she was saying. It was hard for him as well. Wanting her, wanting to be able to express the love he felt for her, and not being able to because of the curse.

“Buffy, that doesn’t mean that we can’t be together,” Angel protested.

“What if something happens one day? What if I… I lose control, and we do something that we can’t come back from.” It was now that she dared to look at him, her eyes filled with the pain and longing that she felt right now. She had made the right decision… hadn’t she?

“What if we lose control, and I lose you.”

Tears ran freely down Buffy’s cheeks now, her worst fears now out in the open. Not being with Angel was hard. But losing him, having his soul torn away like it was that fateful night and truly losing him would be much, much worse. She couldn’t stand that happening twice. Sobs wracked her body as she relived that night.

“You won’t,” Angel promised, drawing her shaking form into his arms and cradling her gently against him. “You’ll never lose me Buffy. I’m yours, forever.”

Buffy felt comforted and safe in his arms even as her mind began to imagine worst-case scenarios all over again. “But what if --”

“Shhh,” Angel shushed gently. “It’s going to be alright. We’re going to get through this,” he promised.

“But what about the curse? Angel, I’m not strong enough to den--”

“We can work around it,” he responded. Ever since he had come back from hell, since he had been recovering from his ordeal, he had been searching. And researching. Trying to find a way to anchor his soul, permanently. He didn’t want to tell Buffy about it so prematurely, not wanting to get their hopes up only to have them dashed. But now seemed as good a time as any to let her know.

“I’ve been… looking into some things. Things that might help…” he trailed off.

“Help what?” Buffy asked as she wiped some of her tears away, sitting up slightly to look him in the eyes.

“My soul. There might be a way to anchor it. Permanently.” Angel studied Buffy’s face for several long moments, waiting for it to sink, wanting to see her reaction. And for a while there was nothing, her expression was slack. Then it hit her and both eyes widened in surprise, followed by the curling upwards of her lips into a smile.

“Do you mean that one day…” she trailed off, her cheeks blushing pink as she thought the words before speaking them. “… one day we’ll be able to… without you…?”

“Losing my soul?” he finished for her, smiling at her shyness. “Yes.”

Another moment passed before the hint of a smile on Buffy’s face stretched into an enormous grin. “No more Angelus?”

Angel shook his head.

“And we’ll be able to… have a normal relationship?”

Angel inhaled an unneeded breath before putting is answer out there. “If that’s what you want?”

“If? If?” A delighted peal of laughter broke from Buffy’s lips as she threw her arms around Angel neck, her momentum throwing them both off the bed and landing on the floor in a heap.

Angel groaned in faux pain whilst he secretly delighted in Buffy’s reaction. It was going to be okay. They, were going to be okay.

“Oh Angel! Are you alright?” Buffy questioned anxiously from her lain position on top of him.

“I’m great,” he replied, a brilliant smile stretching across his face. “So long as I’ve got you…”

“You’ve got me,” came Buffy’s adamant response.

Unable to contain his happiness any longer Angel wrapped his arms around Buffy’s neck, lifting his lips to meet hers in a gentle yet passionate kiss. In each other’s arms they laid for several minutes, reacquainting their lips with the others, tongues gently dancing together as they poured their love into one another.

Finally pulling away from the kiss Buffy looked down at Angel with adoration, her eyes fluttering shut when his hands tangled in her hair in an attempt to draw her down for another kiss. “How long have you been researching?” she asked, needing some questions answered.

“A couple of weeks,” he answered truthfully. “Nothing is definite yet, but there are a couple of leads that have good prospects…” he trailed off as he looked into her eyes, none of the earlier hurt or sorrow present in the hazel depths.

“I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost you. I was so scared that --” Angel began only to be cut off.

“You’ve got nothing to be scared of. You’ve got me,” Buffy nodded, wrapping her arms even tighter around his neck as the distance between their lips once again began to close.

“I love you Angel.”

“And I love you.”