Second Chances
Part 1
Buffy curled herself into a little ball, leaning up against her bedroom door. She was still in shock over what had just happened. What she allowed to happen, what happened because of what she said.
“Hey. I was wondering when you were coming.”
“I’m not coming back.”
She still couldn’t believe that those words had actually come out of her mouth. The events of the day were so blurred that she wasn’t even sure anymore of what was real and what was imagined. Maybe it was a dream… Maybe this was all some weird and horrible dream that she would soon wake up from. It could be one of those prophetic slayer dreams, hinting at what’s to come. If it were a dream of the wiggy kind, then maybe she could fix other things before it everything all goes to hell. Willow and Xander won’t get kidnapped, which means Oz and Cordelia won’t walk in on them in a compromising position at the factory. Cordelia won’t be in hospital. Her friends could still be happy. All she had to do was find Spike before he does anything stupid. Buffy liked this idea.
Her chest heaved once, twice, as she inhaled a shaky breath. If it’s a dream then she needs to wake up from it. The thumb and forefinger of her left hand squeeze the flesh of her other arm, pinching hard enough that it will likely leave a nasty bruise in the morning. Buffy’s resounding yelp of pain concluded that no, this wasn’t a dream. Tears immediately filled her eyes when the false hopes were dashed. With that mental acknowledgement the memories began to wash over her again, looping over and over like some twisted form of torment.
“We’re not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can’t fool myself... Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don’t need me to take care of you anymore. So I’m gonna go.”
“I don’t accept that.”
Salty tears rolled down her cheeks, as an image as vivid as if he were standing before her right then flashed through her eyes. She almost wished that he were there…
“You have to.”
“How can...”
It had taken every ounce of self-control in her possession not to leap into Angel’s arms when he had stepped forward, and she was pretty certain that the strength it took to back away from him was borrowed from some higher plane. Buffy had been fighting against her body’s desire to be near to him, for once listening to her head instead of her heart. Giles had been trying to train her into becoming more stoic; more level headed for months. If Giles had been there today, Buffy was sure he would have been proud.
Buffy laughed sarcastically, harshly brushing the tears from her face. Sunset wasn’t very far off, the sky already darkening. Soon it will be time to head out. Buffy knew that if she were to perform her patrolling duties and not get herself hurt—or killed—she needed to be clearing her mind, not dwelling on her broken heart.
Broken heart, I wonder what genius came up with that lame saying… she thought to herself, a hand wiping away yet more tears.
Broken doesn’t describe how her heart felt right now. Didn’t even come close. Even shattered wasn’t a strong enough word. The thing that scared her the most, was knowing that it probably hadn’t sunk in completely yet, and what she felt right now was only going to worsen.
Angel’s face flashed before her eyes again, like when she was watching a movie where everyone knows what the lead characters are going to do next. And all you want to do is shake—or in Buffy’s case—beat some sense into them.
“There’s gotta be some way we can still see each other.”
“There is: tell me that you don’t love me.”
The tears gush from her eyes and roll down her cheeks in a constant, steady stream. The inevitability of streaking black lines didn’t even faze her. Buffy didn’t even think she’d care if she had an audience right now. What’s the point of getting all pretty if the guy you do it for, the guy who means everything to you, has just been shut out of your life?
Even worse when it’s a self made decision.
Angel hadn’t said anything to her when she had asked that, pleaded that of him. All he had to do was tell her that he didn’t love her. And Buffy wanted nothing more than for him to go along with it. But he had just looked at her, his love for her shining through his eyes and she knew that his heart was breaking just as much as hers. For once Buffy wished that Angel would just lie to her. Lie to her; tell her that he didn’t love her. So then at least she would be able to see him again.
Angel loved her and she threw that away.
A chill ran down Angel’s spine signaling the pending sunset. His demon rejoiced, in the knowledge that it would no longer be trapped within the confines of the cold, empty Mansion. A place that once felt like which now only felt empty, barren. A place that she would no longer visit.
Buffy.
Without her in his life, Angel didn’t know if it was worth living. She gave his un-life meaning, a purpose. As long as there was her, he had a place in this world. That was no more. They were no more.
He felt weak, he didn’t know if he could do this. Stay in this town, live so close yet at the same time be so far from his heart’s desire. Without Buffy he was nothing.
He paced the great hall of the Mansion, pausing momentarily where his gaze finds the scorched burn marks that mar the tiled surface of the floor. A mark that serves as a reminder of where he was banished, a place he wished never to return to.
The burnt tiles also mark his return to this plane of existence. Why the Powers that Be intervened, deemed in necessary that he return was beyond him. It perplexed him. Why would the Powers intercede and save the life of a vampire? It didn’t make sense. It troubled Giles as well.
He knew that the watcher no longer trusted him, and Angel didn’t blame him. The things he did—what Angelus did—were unforgivable. And while it seemed that Buffy had come to accept his demon and had also forgiven him of Angelus’s past transgressions, he could not forgive himself. Not wholly. Each day, bit by bit, he had been improving. Not just physically but also mentally, emotionally. They had been growing closer. Things had felt right.
And then Spike had returned to town and ruined everything.
Where this girl, this incredible being was concerned, Angel was lost. At her command he would walk across hot coals, through fire, into blinding and deadly sunlight if it meant being with her. He would almost gladly suffer eternal torment and persecution for his crimes as Angelus as long as he was promised her love. In a way, he kind of had.
It had been the memory of Buffy; of her kindness and compassion, her beauty, her wit, her strength in the face of insurmountable odds… memories of her and their time together that had lent him the courage and strength he needed to survive that place. That hell. Without Buffy, he surely would not have survived.
And now she was gone.
That conversation repeated over and over in Angel’s mind as he walked out of the hall, pushing through the large wooden doors at the entrance of the Mansion and stepped out into the moonlight.
Night meant vampires and vampires meant Buffy on patrol.
Angel hoped that he would receive an opportunity to speak with her. She needed to know how much he loved her, how much he needed her. He was going to remind her of just how great they were together. Buffy was Angel’s world.
And he wasn’t giving up on her without a fight.
Angel skulked through several quiet and empty cemeteries before he finally had some luck. Up ahead he could here sounds of fighting; the slap of fists hitting flesh and the resounding groans and growls of pain spaced intermittently by witty quips that could only come from Buffy. She was one of a kind.
He watched her dust a vampire with the ease of squashing a bug, after all theses years still in awe of her.
Angelus may never have added a slayer to his body count, but he had sure seen a fair few in action. None of them compared to his Buffy. Powerful, deadly, yet graceful at the same time; Buffy had more potential to cause harm than any of the others he had witnessed. And it made him proud. His girl was deadly. His girl. Angel didn’t think he was ever going to be able to think of her as anything but his.
A slayer and a vampire; it was a forbidden relationship. But for all intense purposes it worked. Their combined strength made them an unstoppable duo, a fighting machine. They loved just as fiercely as they fought. And they could protect each other. Isn’t that what mattered in a relationship? Being able to protect and care for the one you loved.
A shriek of surprise ripped through the night air and Angel’s attention instantly diverted to the scene before him, adrenaline coursing his under veins the second fear that something had happened to his beloved took hold. He needn’t have worried. The shriek had come from Willow, who had been caught by surprise by a curious spider that had decided to crawl across their textbooks.
Angel watched with a faint smile, kept hidden by the shadows of the trees.
“Spider! Spider!” Willow shrieked as she dropped the pile of books to the ground.
Buffy swiftly returned to her friend’s side and quickly found the culprit. The small yet furry creature seemed to quite happily be exploring the books, seemingly unfazed by the yelps of disgust and semi fear coming from Willow. Dropping to her knees Buffy lifted the book it was currently creeping across.
“Nyah! Buffy, don’t touch it!”
“I’ll be fine, it’s just a bitty spider Will,” Buffy laughed as she walked several feet away and pressed the spine of the book against the edge of a nearby crypt.
After a few moments of hesitation, the spider crawled off the book and immediately became hidden amongst the foliage that covered the stone structure.
“Buffy what if it comes back?” Willow asked hesitantly.
“It won’t. And if it does I’ll get rid of it.”
“Buffy Summers, spider removalist,” Willow snickered.
“You think they pay well in pest control?” Buffy questioned with faux interest, joining her friend in laughter a moment later.
Angel was mesmerized by her smile, by the way her hair bounced freely around her shoulders as she moved, the way her eyes lit up as she traded jokes with Willow. She looked… Happy. And it cut right through to his under heart.
Maybe she did the right thing. Maybe he should leave her alone, let her live her life… without him.
“It’s good to see you laugh,” Willow commented when the chuckles finally died down a couple of minutes later. The last few weeks had been hard on everyone, Buffy especially. Willow knew how hard it had been for her friend to return to town and try to pick up her life again. She had no guarantee that things would work out, but still she tried. Willow admired her for that. And felt guilty at the same time.
Angel had come back from the dead, literally from the hell he had been sent to when Buffy had closed Acathla’s portal. Hearing a few weeks ago what her friend had gone through… it still broke Willow’s heart. The spell had worked, Angel had been re-ensouled. It had just been too late.
Upon his mysterious return Buffy had cared from him. The events of the previous few months leading her to believe that she wouldn’t get any support from those closest to her. And in a way, Willow supposed she had the right to believe that.
Giles had lost Jenny to the hand of Angelus, and that was not something that the watcher was going to easily forgive even though it was not Angelus who had returned from that hell place. Giles loved Buffy like his own daughter; Willow could see it in his eyes when he thought no one was watching. It was more than watcherly duty behind his warnings; it was also fatherly love.
Then there was Xander. Xander had always been a rabid supporter of the ‘dust Angel’ club, even before he went all evil and started killing people again. Willow knew that Xander now understood that he and Buffy would never be, and he had Cordelia now, but Willow guessed that loss still smarted a little. She knew it still smarted. He and Cordelia weren’t okay anymore. Neither were she and Oz.
All because of that stupid spell that Spike had been forcing her to complete.
Willow’s smile began to fade when she thought of what everyone had lost the
The bright grin slowly slid off Buffy’s face to be replaced with a weak smile. Shrugging her shoulders she slumped to the grassy ground beside her best friend, their backs pressed up against a headstone.
“I’m okay,” Buffy finally spoke, breaking the silence that had been closing in on the pair.
“Buffy, you don’t have to be okay. You and Angel… you two are --”
Buffy cut her off. “Were. Past tense Will. We aren’t together anymore.”
“Buffy when? Why didn’t you tell me?” Willow’s face crumpled with hurt for her best friend, her own pain momentarily forgotten. The Buffy Angel love story was something right out of a fairytale. Unfortunately complete with the wicked family ties that so often occur in the tales. The way Angel looked at Buffy…
Giles, Xander and even herself have done and will continue to do anything and everything they can to help Buffy.
Angel, he would give his life to protect Buffy. There was no question about it, not doubt in Willow’s mind. That man, vampire, loved Buffy more than life itself.
That kind of devotion wasn’t something you came across every day.
“Willow, what you and Xander are going through right now is my fault. Can’t you see that?” Buffy’s voice broke from the emotion, from the guilt that she felt right now.
Willow frowned. “Buffy, what are you talking about? That’s ridiculous. Xander and I --”
“Would never have been kidnapped by Spike if I’d dealt with him.”
Buffy lifted herself to her feet and began pacing the space in front of where Willow sat. “I should have been more focused on patrol, on my duties as the Slayer. But all I’ve been able to think about… is Angel.”
Angel wanted nothing more than to step out from the shadows and sweep Buffy into his arms. Her heart was breaking all over again, and there was nothing he could do to help that. She genuinely felt she was at blame for what had happened.
And that filled him with guilt. If he had recovered from his injuries sooner, if he hadn’t been monopolizing so much of her time of late, if he had dealt with his awry family member then Buffy would be blaming herself right now.
Once more Angel hesitated on his decision of speaking with her tonight. Maybe Buffy really was better off without him…
“Buffy, it’s understandable that you’d be worried about him. He’s still healing from that place he was sent to.” Willow immediately regretted her choice of words when she saw how Buffy’s face began to crumple with guilt and pain.
“I sent him there Will,” she cried, her eyes misting with tears that she was desperately trying to hold in. “He went there, because of me.”
“You had to! If you didn’t send him there then the world would have been destroyed.” Willow was on her feet, slowly approaching her friend, wanting to console her.
“Why did he come back?” Real tears were now streaming down Buffy’s cheeks. “It hurt, so bad when I had to send him away.” Buffy inhaled deeply before she continued.
“When I… killed him.” Her breaths were coming in ragged as she tried to control the pain that was slowly eating at her heart. “But then he came back. Why? The Powers stepped in and no one knows why. Did they do it to hurt me? Are they trying to tear my heart to shreds? Angel and I can never be together again, I can’t have --”
“Buffy, you DO have him. Don’t you see? Angel is yours and always will be,” Willow pointed out. “He would do anything for you.”
Buffy knew what Willow was saying was right but it didn’t lessen her pain. “I thought sending him to hell was the hardest thing I’d ever have to do. I was wrong. Telling him that…”
“Telling him what?” Willow coaxed gently.
“That I wasn’t coming back. That the only way he could see me again was if…”
Willow laced her fingers with Buffy’s, giving her hand a gentle squeeze as her friend fought to get the words out.
“Was if he told me that he didn’t love me.” Buffy’s vision blurred as another torrent of tears ran from her eyes and coursed down her cheeks.
“Oh Buffy, he didn’t say… he wouldn’t say…” Willow shook her head in disbelief. She couldn’t believe that Angel would admit that, but she didn’t know what else he could have said that would be causing Buffy so much pain.
“He didn’t,” Buffy confessed. “He wouldn’t…” Her cries became vocal as she collapsed to the ground, burying her face into her discarded jacket.
“Oh,” Willow mumbled in understanding, following Buffy to the ground seconds later and wrapping her arms around her sobbing friend.
“H-he still loves me and I t-threw that away!”
Buffy’s pain sliced Angel’s heart into a million tiny shards. She was hurting because of him.
It would’ve been better if he’d never returned from that hell.
It would’ve been better if he hadn’t stuck around once he’d returned.
It would‘ve been better if he’d lied…
But Angel couldn’t do that. He couldn’t lie, not to her.
Not to Buffy.
Angel turned in the shadows and away from his hearts desire.